Spider-Man is one of the most dynamic, entertaining superheroes in comics. He’s quick with a quip anytime he’s taking down bad guys, and even when his life is in shambles, he’s always able to make it through with a little humor. (Presumably to keep himself sane.) If he existed in real life, you’d expect him to occasionally have one too many beers at the bar. But no. Leaked documents from the recent Sony hack reveal that we will never see Spider-Man, Peter Parker or otherwise, chilling out at the pub with his bros.

Gawker pored over the leaks to show the Spidey guidelines, and they reveal that, as a baseline, Spider-Man must be kind of boring when it comes to recreational activities for ordinary humans. (Torture doesn’t count, obviously. He isn’t Jack Bauer.)

I appreciate that all this is meant to stay in keeping with the comics. Web-slinging is the only drug he needs. I get it. But come on now. You’re telling me a man who loses the love of his life to a green, pumpkin bomb-loving maniac doesn’t want to drown his sorrow in a few Heinekens?

It’s also important to mention that Sony is applying this to characters who aren’t even Peter Parker. That means Miles Morales will never try cigarettes and think they just aren’t for him, and Miguel O’Hara will never be able to experiment with his sexuality in the year 2099. (That’s right. I’d love a Spider-Man 2099 movie!) Do our heroes really need to be so bland?

Source: The Verge